How can I present my new love to my children?
For many mothers, it is a challenge. Indeed, this stage comes to frustrate the hope of most children: that their separated parents find themselves. So how to do?
Questions often go on in the minds of separated mothers who are thinking about rebuilding their lives. Certainly, to love and to be loved, it does good … However, how to speak to his offspring? “More and more women are consulting to seek advice,” explains the psychoanalyst Liliane Holstein *. How do we do it? What to do to put all the odds on his side? They are worried, and that is normal. His answers? The specialist first delivers them on a case-by-case basis: “There are no pre-established rules. It all depends on the history of the couple, the mode of separation, the nature of the new encounter … “Still, there are still traps to avoid … and formulas that can help. When a mother asks her, for example, if it is not “a little too early” to get into the water, The analyst invariably responds that the possibility of living a new love should never make us back down, provided do not burn the stages. “No parent has to ask his children for permission to live a romantic story. To leave them with this power would be very detrimental to their development, she explains. For all that, let us remember that they had to mourn for a fantasy of ideal. It is about respecting their emotions. ” Let us not forget that they had to mourn a fantasy of ideal. It is about respecting their feelings. ” Let us remember that they had to mourn a fantasy of ideal. It is about recognizing their emotions. ”
Feeling if they are ready
The test of separation, difficult to manage for each, has not had any effect on their balance. However, little by little, they too have found a smile … How do you know if they have indeed digested the separation? For Liliane Holstein, only a little observation can be fixed. “For the little ones, it is a matter of monitoring the quality of sleep, diet, any enuresis … For the older ones, it is better to study their behavior: are they agitated, isolated, provocative? However, in any case, the main thing is to take an interest in them by discussing, asking questions, without forcing the word “. Explains the specialist. If, after “investigation,” it seems that he/she has regained confidence, maybe this is indeed the right time to evoke your desire for a new life.
Find the right words
We would like to be able to tell them that we found “the” pearl rare. That this meeting is the chance of our life … However, is this the right way? “In the interests of the children and the new couple, I suggest that we remain as” natural “as possible and, above all, be sensitive,” says Holstein. No theatricality or solemnity. It is better to proceed step by step, starting by saying that you go out from time to time with a friend with whom you feel safe. Then, we spent a weekend with him … “At this point, there’s no need to go any further! Children feel enough to be intrigued and ask the right questions at the pace that suits them, “the analyst said.
Make sure they have a “good” welcome “
One dreams that at the hour h each one apprehends the best possible. Let no one come out of this crucial stage, crumpled or disappointed. The children as much as the elected … How to present them to each other to promote good mood? First, choose your place: prefer a meal outside the walls of the house, or offer a walk in a space that will allow them to go away (and observe) if they wish. Then, at the time of the presentations, “it is wise to name them individually, without adding a reducing epithet,” Here is Jean, my baby “or” Jeanne, my intello ,” explains Liliane Holstein. This will allow them to feel recognized in their singularity and give each one the opportunity to reveal his personality and sensitivity freely. As for the future “step-parent,” there is no need to oversell him. Better than any flattering phrase, it is your smile that will inform your children about your emotional state. Without making too much of it, but without extricating itself, the idea is to let each one test himself. Moreover, tame. With only one requirement on both sides: cultivate respect.
The right attitude before them
With your new love, avoid effusions, demonstration effects. “For any child, it can be a” shock “to see his mother in love, explains the specialist. Complicated for boys who sometimes fantasized about taking the place of the absent man. Severe also for girls, often disturbed to see their mother desiring. On another level, everyone may be in a conflict of loyalty to the other parent, if he is unhappy. You tried to say a word, and their reaction was not favorable? “Explain to them that, whatever our age, we all need love,” says Holstein. However, do not hesitate to admit that things are not obvious to them. This acknowledgment of their difficulties should eventually cause their rejection to fall. ”
Ready for a new cohabitation?
“In the case of new love, how long does it take to rebuild a home? “Asked many divorced parents. Answer: There is no incompressible delay. Before engaging in an ordinary life, the only question that matters is the quality of the bond of love. Is it robust, constructive, projected into the future? No reason to wait. It is complicated, even painful? To go too fast, you run the risk of exposing your children to quarrels or back-and-forth that might lead them to think that love is a source of much suffering … What a sad lesson in life!
Julia, 44, two children: “I wanted to go too fast.”
“My new story began with a thunderbolt which pushed me to get carried away. Six months after the meeting, I announced to the father of my children that I wanted to move alone, and a few weeks later, we set up an other guard. My kids were a little shaken, but I was anxious for them to see me happy. So I accelerated: on the following holidays I organized a stay in the mountains for my children, my lover, and his son. Catastrophe! The first night, my 10-year-old told me she was thinking about suicide. Then my seven-year-old son screamed that he hated us … The next day, we went back on the road in reverse, dumbfounded. Moreover, it has been a year since we have been trying to catch up! ”
Anne, 31, a son: “He asked me if he should call him” Papa. “
” Why did my piece of cabbage ask me this incongruous question? At the moment, what a shock when, from the height of his four years, he pulled my sleeve and asked: “I have to call your lover … Dad? “. I mumbled, “No, of course not …”. Moreover, words missed me, until the next day. What was the hidden meaning of his question? What was he afraid of? “Tom, your dad and I, it is because we loved each other very strongly that we decided to do it,” I then tried to explain. Moreover, even though we are separated, he and I never regretted giving you life. On the contrary: we are so proud of you! You will always have only one dad, do not worry … “All of a sudden, his eyes changed, His little arms enclosed me … Were these the words he expected? In any case, it was serene that Tom then welcomed his half-sister (on my side) and his half-brother (on the side of his father). “